Esther Chilton

Here’s the next instalment of my building work diary, telling the tale of when I had a loft conversion a few years ago.

If you missed the story so far, here are the earlier days:

Day One

Day Two

Days Three and Four

Days Five and Six

Days Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven and Twelve

Day Thirteen

Stu and Clive arrive, music blaring and van shaking – they must be going clubbing tonight and are getting in the mood.

They start work after their usual half hour reading the paper in the van. I overhear them talking about the last house they worked on.

“Do you remember that lady’s facial hair?” Clive says.

I find myself checking to make sure I haven’t got the beginnings of a moustache or beard.

He continues. “She was horrible, wasn’t she? A right dragon. Her poor husband. She was the boss. I wanted to put a brick through her window.”

I’d better be nice to them…

“What are you doin’ tonight, Clive?” Stu clearly wants to change the subject.

“Me bird’s going out. On a Friday night! I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

It’s at that point I think I’d better stop eavesdropping and make them a cup of tea. By the time I take them up said drinks, they’ve decided to go out together and hit the town. I feel I should warn someone…

Day Fourteen

Clive has a sore throat and is feeling sorry for himself. He tells me about their Friday night out and how they were drinking shots and got chucked out of several pubs. It’s taken him all weekend to recover.

There’s a lot of swearing from upstairs. Clive goes to investigate.

Five minutes later, he comes down with a big smile on his face. “I think he’s gone through your telephone line.”

Great.

Thankfully, Stu hasn’t.

Day Fifteen

It’s Mum’s birthday so I leave them to it, looking forward to a peaceful, hassle-free day.

A couple of hours later, Clive rings to tell me the skip has arrrived. “It’s smashed up yer drive!”

My heart’s in my mouth.

“Only joking,” he laughs.

Oh, yes, very funny.

They’re still there when I get home. Clive tells me the elecrician turned up but couldn’t remember what he was supposed to be doing so left. Why does that not surprise me?

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