Say no to head-hopping!
Adding a character’s thoughts to a story can help the reader to connect with the character. You can do this for more than one character but don’t use more than one character’s thoughts in the same scene. If you constantly hop from one character’s thought to another, it can be very confusing as to who is thinking what e.g.:
Judy looked at Dave longingly. I wish you would notice me, she thought, I’ve certainly noticed you.
Why is she staring at me? “Can you file these reports away for me please, Jenny.”
It’s Judy! He doesn’t even know my name! “Of course, right away.”
“You can let go now.”
I’d rather not.
“Let the reports go. Is there a problem?” For goodness sake!
No, there’s no problem at all.
This is just a short passage. See how it starts off ok but gets harder to keep track of who is thinking and saying what.
Esther Chilton 
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